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The 20 People You Always See at Festivals

by on July 26, 2013
 

 

If you’ve been to more than a few festivals in your lifetime, you have surely started to notice patterns in the people you see. Stereotypes suck, but for some reason they always seem to be true. Especially at festivals, which are essentially a melding pot containing people from every end of society conglomerating. We’ve thrown together a list showing 20 of the most common types of people that you see at festivals!

The BroHammer

Come at me bro… Come at me bro… Do you even lift?

This guy couldn’t tell you the difference between Dubstep and House music, but he could tell you how to thicken out that weak upper chest. He works as a personal trainer, after all. His weekend festival packing checklist includes a hefty supply of protein powder, self-tanner and short shorts. What it does not include is a shirt.

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The Halloween Hero

Also known as an attention whore, this wild creature needs to show up the festivals own production by dressing up in something crazy. They feed off your bewildered looks, and yes, they will take a picture with you. Common examples are green man, zombies, and 15 foot tall animatronic replicas of megatron.

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The Diva

This character parallels the aforementioned BroHammer with a touch of femininity. She will be wearing tastefully placed pasties and a g-string.

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The Knock Out

Was it an overdose? No one knows, but the paramedics are on their way. When they get there, she’ll try to act like shes fine. And no, she didn’t take anything, sir.

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The Groupie

Hashtag bootyforborgore. The groupie will do anything to get backstage, and do anything once she is backstage. She avidly follows her favorite DJ on twitter, and even got retweeted by them once — so they’re technically datin

g.

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The Purist

He was going to raves before they were cool. This hipster aficionado goes to festivals purely for the music and to see the most talented DJs get down on the decks. He despises pretty much everyone around him, and will try to launch headfirst into a debate with you about how trap music is killing EDM.

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The Aging Raver

The aging raver was around when the scene was birthed. He’s friends with Frankie Bones and used to kick it with Carl Cox at the after party. He remembers when people wore clothes at raves, phat pants were a thing, and Acid House is all the DJs would spin.

Old-Raver


The Silk Road Traveler

Need Molly? Need this, need that…. this guy has it all. His backpack is essentially a pharmacy that carries strictly schedule 1 drugs. There to make money, not see pretty girls or listen to music. You’ll often see him sprinting through a crowd at full speed with officer Smith hot on his heels.

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The Level 40 Kandi Master

Do you want to trade some kandi, bro? The Kandi Master is well-known at the local hobby shop, where he buys economy size bags of beads. He’ll trade you anything except for that one really special piece that his girlfriend made for him.

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Way Too High

Takes all the drugs.

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The P-Tot

It took her two weeks of nagging at her mom to let her go to EDC, but she finally got her to cave in. She’s maybe 15, but has a fake ID so getting into festivals is no problem. This walking crime is going to try her hardest to get a man to commit statutory tonight.

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The First Timer

Dubstep is her favorite band, and she bought a deadmowfive shirt to show off that she’s totally a fan.

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The Annoying Whistler

Listen… She’s totally beat-matching the track with her whistle. This isn’t annoying at all.

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The Shuffler

The shuffler is quickly becoming a rare breed in today’s festival world. The shuffle-soldiers who do remain have continued the tradition of apparently needing a 1000 square foot radius with which they can dance in.

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The Butt Scratcha

A cultural meme gone south. You can’t leave a rave without hearing “BUTT SCRATCHA!” 100 times on the way out. Thanks Peter.

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The Wolfpack

This group is fully dedicated to running with wolves. First Becky bought her spirit hood, then Miranda got one, and pretty soon this 20 person deep crew all followed suit. They’re so rave.

 

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The Crowd Killer

Get out of the way! This sidewalk belongs to crowd killer. He’ll bash through everyone on his way to the front of the stage, offering an insincere apology to every other person he mangles. Sorry about your shoes, bro.

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The Overt Homosexual

If you don’t look closely, at first, you would think this was a chick from behind. He’s rocking the shortest leather shorts you’ve ever seen, is shaved from head to toe, and has a strut that puts runway models to shame.

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Bangin’ on dance floor

This couple popped tamales and started feeling themselves a little too hard on the dance floor. They’ll probably end up leaving three hours early so they can get back to the Motel 6.
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